I was going to write about getting back up from a bad grade or two? But as I kept trying to write the first line I realized that my heart just wasn’t in it. It was at this point, I realized there was something more important I had to get off my chest. I lost my dad November of last year and if I can tell you one thing about hitting rock bottom is that it shatters everything within you down to your very own soul. I have decided to write a poem and in no one way am I a poet but instead of giving you the story of how I heard about his death or how I still don’t know what a good night rest is like anymore, I will write a little something about how I feel.
I would be lying to myself if I say I still don’t wait for our daily phone calls
I would be deceiving the world but not myself if I say I have finally come to terms with this idea of never seeing you again.
Every night when I go to bed, I pray that I wake up and realize that i’ve been dreaming for eight months.
Of course, that will be a long time for a dream
But at least I get to wake up from this nightmare
And the nights when I do see you, I ask the same questions over and over again
“Do you know I miss you?” “Why did you have to leave me?” “What makes you think I want to stay here without you?” “How dare you not say good bye?” “How dare you make me love you so much for you to leave me like this?”
I needed someone to blame
I blamed you, then I blamed mom
But it wasn’t any easier so I blamed myself
Maybe if I had prayed more
Maybe if I had done something
It really doesn’t make sense
Daddy, I love you.
See you tonight
As premeds we think we have to power through every storm and be this superhero, but if there is something I have learned from the past few months is that it is okay to admit that you are not okay and that you need time off to work on you, even if it means leaving school for a semester or two. Take care of your emotional and mental health. I haven’t quite come to terms with this yet but it is something that I have took time out (not just a day or two) to figure out. Do I continue wallowing in my tears every day and give up on life or do I get up, dust my self up and make a promise to make my best friend proud? I guess we both know the option I chose.